Eight Key Ingredients to Transform Your Life

Introduction: Background and How I Found These Tools:  

When I was 27 years old, two years into depths of an awful depression, I began therapy. At that point, I desperately needed help. My therapist agreed, saying, as I sat in his office crying, “I just wish someone had pulled the alarm two years ago before things got this bad.”

He was excellent, and I did the work and began to heal. After about a year of working with my therapist, I enrolled in a continuing education course at NYU in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy because I wanted to learn more tools for managing my mind and my life. I continued to see my therapist, but less frequently, as I was able to hold myself up for longer and longer on my own. Eventually, my career journey led me to step away from teaching middle school and enroll in a life-coaching program, not entirely sure I would become a life coach, but interested in what I'd learn in the year-long program. Within the first hour of the program, I knew my life would never be the same. By the end of the first day, I realized how much untapped potential I had, and how truly anything was possible. I remember thinking "I've been limiting myself all my life. The sky is not even the limit! There is no limit but the limit of my thinking!" I became a triple certified life-coach and added the many empowerment tools I learned there to the ones I already had in my toolbox for shaping, improving, and transforming my life. 

Now, eight years later, I feel like a totally new person. I’ve completely transformed my life, from the inside out. What I mean when I say “from the inside out” is that a lot of things in my external environment are very much the same as they were eight years ago when I was deeply depressed, but they are no longer a source of misery for me. I thought my life was horrible, and it was, but it wasn’t the things in my life making me miserable, but rather the way I related to them and to myself. The thoughts I had about my life were keeping me a victim to my circumstances, whereas now I am an empowered creator of my life. I accept that I cannot control what occurs, but I learned that I can control how I react to the things that occur, and by doing so I control so much. By changing the way I relate to my thoughts and feelings, as well as to myself, others, and situations that arise, I've changed my life. 

Over the last eight years, I have learned how to build a healthier mind and a healthier life. I love who I am, and I love the life I've built for myself. That doesn't mean my every day is filled with rainbows and sunshines, and it doesn’t mean there aren't areas of life I still struggle with or want to make changes to. What it means is I feel grounded, I know who I am, I am in control of my thoughts and responses to external stimuli, and I am confident in my ability to handle the challenges that come my way. While I wish every day was filled with rainbows and sunshines, and perhaps one day it will be, I know that I’ll always be okay because I have tools to hold my own hand as I face and overcome challenges, and seek opportunities to build the best life I can for myself.

Reflecting over the last eight years, I asked myself which ingredients were most essential in transforming my life. In this article, I would like to share what I’ve learned. As a life-coach, I’ve found these to be helpful ingredients for my clients as well, and I believe they'll be helpful for anyone looking to transform his/her life.

Tools and Ingredients to Improve Your Life:

I will be listing these transformational tools in the order that I think makes the most sense, but the truth is, they all play into each other. As you strengthen yourself with one of these tools, the other areas grow stronger in turn. 

1. To Transform Your Life, Know Yourself: Find Your Authentic Voice and Truest-Self

You might think this idea of knowing yourself sounds so simple. You could be thinking, “Of course, I know myself! I spend all of my time with myself. I am always in my head with myself.”

Being stuck in your thoughts as they run wild is not the same as knowing yourself. You are not your thoughts. To truly know yourself, you must learn to look at your thoughts objectively and decide which of them are truly your own: which ones align with your values, the person you want to be, and the life you want to live.

Your thoughts are often echoes of the voices of the people you’ve encountered, or harsh judgments or beliefs you've accrued based on experiences you’ve had. You took on the critical voices of your mom, your dad, your siblings, your teacher, your hockey coach, the school bully, and made them your own. You took on the opinions and beliefs of others - friends, family, religion, the media - and made them your own. You took on the standards and goals of society and made them your own. You did not choose to make them your own, but rather you heard them so often that they became a part of your mind and your subconscious and automatic thoughts. 

(To read more about how you lost your authentic self, click this link to read this article I wrote titled “The Loss of Your Authentic Self: How You Strayed So Far From Your True Self.”)

Your truest, most authentic voice is buried beneath everyone else's voices that made their way into your mind from the minute you were born. To know yourself, you must look at and evaluate every thought and ask, “where did this come from, and do I want to keep thinking it?” Developing, or rather uncovering, your own voice will take time. Learning who you truly are is a process. Don't feel you need to rush it or grow frantic in trying to find it. Do gently start doing the following:

A- Acknowledge that your authentic-self got buried, quieted beneath, or mixed-in with all the external voices, judgements, and opinions that made their way into your mind and guided your choices. This is something that happens to everyone-- through the voices of their parents, school, religion, friends, the media, and society at large. 

B- Decide you want to shed the voices of others to find your voice. It can be possible that your authentic voice does align with some of what you’ve “inherited” from other people, but that’s for you to consciously realize and decide, rather than to just allow everything in your mind to go on in an unconscious way. 

C- Start paying attention to the thoughts you are having and asking yourself where in your environment or which experiences you got these thoughts from, and if the thought aligns with the life you want or if there’s an alternative thought that might feel more aligned for you.

D- Find your values – Figure out what makes life meaningful for you. What makes you feel passionate, aligned, and alive? If you need help with that, use this free core values worksheet I made for you. When you are living in alignment with your values, you’re living as your truest self.

E- Start paying attention to times when you lose yourself in the moment, feel whole, or at ease or peaceful. Those moments are bringing you toward your authentic self. Who are you with, what are you doing, and which of your values are you tapping into? Do more of whatever it is that's bringing you this wonderful feeling of harmony and joy.

F- Notice the times you feel the opposite - when you feel uneasy, lonely, disconnected - that's an indication you are with people, in a place, or doing an activity that isn't in alignment with the truest you.

An example of working through your beliefs to know yourself better might go like this: you might have a belief or thought that you must have children and you cannot be happy without them. You can then ask yourself where that thought came from. In your mind, you will locate some of the people and experiences that gave you that thought or belief. Then, you will say, "is this something I truly believe?" You will take a look at your values. You'll think about your future. You'll pay attention to when you feel happy and use that to inform more of what you want in the future. You'll pay attention to when you feel uneasy and use that to help you understand what you do not want in your future. And in time you might say, "hey, I see adventure, spontaneity, and independence is most important to me, maybe I don't want kids!" or you might say, "wow, I notice I am happiest when I am playing with my nieces, and I feel like I can play with them all day and never get tired of it. I definitely want kids!" Whichever you choose, it becomes a conscious thought or belief instead of an unconscious one. It is your choice, coming from your own inner guidance instead of from beliefs that were handed to you accepted by you just because people told you it's the way life "should" be. 

It will take time to find your truest voice and most authentic self because the true you is likely buried beneath years and years of external voices running their way through your mind and driving your actions. Be patient, be gentle, and continue moving forward with the other steps below. All eight ingredients come together to support one another, and to support you in living an authentic life you love!

Most importantly, to find you authentic self, acknowledge that many of the thoughts and beliefs you carry might not be your own, and that many of the choices you made and make are likely influenced by other people, and then make the brave decision that you want to find your authentic voice and live as your truest self. Awareness and intention are so important in determining outcomes and creating change, so simply become aware that you're likely living inauthentically in many areas of your life, and set your intention that you want to start living more authentically.

2. To Transform Your life, Be Yourself: Don't Just Find Your Truest Voice, but Be Brave Enough to Follow it and Show Up Authentically

Now that you’ve found your voice, it's time to act on it and in alignment with it. Knowing yourself is one thing (and a very important thing!), but being brave enough to actually be yourself is the next step. It's time to stop worrying about how other people might judge you, and show up as your most authentic self.

The reason it’s important to act as your most authentic self is because taking actions that go against the truest you creates imbalance inside- there is dissonance within. Acting in alignment with your truest self, on the other hand, creates a harmonious life; one that you feel proud of since it aligns with your values. When your external actions align with your inner voice, you live with passion, power, and purpose. To read all about the benefits of living authentically, check out this article for ten reasons to live an authentic life.

In order to think like yourself (step 1 of transforming your life), you must learn to discern your voice from the voices of others. After you do that, to act like yourself, you must stop worrying about the judgment of others. The most common reason people betray their truest voice is because they're afraid of what other people might think of them - afraid of not fitting in, being judged as “weird,” disappointing someone, or having people disapprove of their actions.

Thus, you must stop caring what others think of you, or at least care a whole lot less, in order to be your truest self. What matters in this life is not that other people like you, but rather that you like yourself! This is your life– stop living it for the approval of others and live it for yourself!

In case you don’t understand how imperative this step is in living a life you love, let me share this with you: the number 1 regret people have in life is “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself instead of the life others expected of me.” Don’t ignore the fact that this is most commonly what people regret on their deathbeds. Living for others is a life wasted.

The mantra I liked to use when I began my authenticity journey, and still remind myself of when I feel myself worrying what others might think, is “I choose authenticity over approval.” When you take action, tune in and ask yourself “am I doing this because I truly want to (because it feels like an aligned expression of who I am inside) or am I doing it because others will approve of it, like me for doing it, or find it impressive?”

When I used that mantra and asked myself that question, I found partaking in gossip, laughing at things I didn't find funny, and being super talkative in small talk were all ways I betrayed my truest self. I also noticed that silence/keeping quiet was something that allowed me to feel more like myself. Often, we talk incessantly to win the favor of others– to show how smart, funny, kind, and charming we are, how interesting we find them, and how enjoyable we are to be around. I’m not saying everyone does this, but I am saying many do, and I was one of them. My life became so much more aligned when I allowed myself to choose silence instead of showing off or trying to win someone’s favor.

Choose authenticity over approval. Show up in life as your truest self.

3. To Transform Your Life, Love Yourself 

Who is the one person with you, everywhere you go, every second you’re alive? You are! You bring yourself everywhere with you; there’s simply no escaping yourself. 

Imagine how awful life would be if a critic followed you everywhere, and how wonderful it would be if a cheerleader followed you around. You are that person following yourself wherever you go, and you get to choose which of those you want to be for yourself! 

Considering the fact that wherever you go, there you are, it would make sense that self-love should be the foundation upon which everything else is built. Yet, it isn’t. Self-love is severely neglected. 

Not only is self-love neglected, but it also gets a bad reputation. That is because self-love and selfishness (conceit, narcissism) get conflated. These two things are not at all the same. When someone loves themselves, they do so in silence; they are reassured by their own love and thus do not need attention. Conceit, on the other hand, is loud; it is a begging to be seen, to be loved, to be approved of, because the person does not love, see, or approve of himself. 

Additionally, self-love does not have to be selfish. Firstly, if we play into the idea of self-love being selfish, what you’re saying is other people are more deserving of your love than you are; surely that doesn’t make sense. You are just as deserving of your love as someone else is, and perhaps even more so because it’s your duty to look out for yourself! Secondly, you cannot pour from an empty cup; when you are depleted, you have nothing to give. Loving yourself is, in essence, an act of giving because the more you have, the more you have to give. Fill yourself up with so much love that it spills over onto everyone you meet and everything you do. Intention is extremely important. If you set the intention to fill yourself up so that you can give and be of better service to the world, that is exactly what you will do. 

Remember, hurt people hurt people. Healed people heal people. Loved people love people. Your self-love will make the world a better place. 

Let go of the harsh, critical voice and step into your loving, supportive voice. Tell yourself how wonderful you are. Celebrate yourself. Support yourself. Love yourself. Life will be so much better when you do. If you’re constantly hating on yourself, you don’t stand a chance at being happy.

In addition to self-love being essential for happiness, it will also allow you to live more authentically. As we mentioned above, an essential part of living authentically/taking authentic action is not worrying about the approval of others. That becomes a lot easier when you give yourself the love you are seeking from others. Love and validate yourself so that you don't take actions for the sole purpose of getting love, admiration, and worthiness from others. When you love yourself, you understand that you are worthy regardless of what others say about you. That allows you to forget about their voices and follow your own voice instead!

Self-love allows you to move about the world in a warm embrace, which makes it a whole lot easier to enjoy your life.

4. To Transform Your Life, Care for Yourself 

This idea of self-care ties very closely to love, but the way I think of it personally is that love is controlling the voice in my head (correcting self-loathing to self-compassion, and negative self-destructive talk to positive, kind, supportive talk), whereas care is more about the actions I take: ie the verb of love. 

When you care for yourself, you give your body and mind what it wants and needs. You pay close attention to yourself, and notice when you need rest, exercise, stimulation, companionship, and then you give it to yourself or get it for yourself in the best way you know how to. You do it because you matter: because you know you deserve to be taken care of and have your needs met. 

Self-care can also be setting boundaries to protect your wellbeing and give yourself a safe space to be yourself, expressing your needs in relationships, cutting toxic people out of your life, and chasing the career you’ve always dreamed of. It can be moving to a new city or taking a vacation. It can be sitting in a dark room or reading a book. It can be taking a walk or having a phone-call with a friend. Figure out what you need, and give it to yourself.

Different people need different things in different amounts. When you care for yourself, you tune into your unique needs quite often, developing an intimate relationship with your body and mind, acknowledge and validate what you’re experiencing, and then do your best to give yourself what you need or want. 

To transform your life for the better, it is imperative you care for yourself! If you don’t do it, then who will? As I said with self-love, it is your duty to look after yourself, and when you do, you can show up even more fully for others. 

5. To Transform Your Life, Believe in Yourself

As you start to live more authentically, your inner voice strengthens and guides you toward the life you want. Maybe your voice lets you know you're not satisfied in the career you chose, or aren't truly happy with the relationship you're in. Maybe your voice reawakens the dream you once had to go deep sea diving or travel the world. Maybe you have an authentic pull to write a memoir or perform in front of a crowd. Whatever it is, I can almost guarantee you that an inner fear is going to creep up to try to talk you out of doing it. A voice will creep up to tell you that if you leave your relationship, you’ll end up alone forever, or that you’re too old to start a new career, or no one will buy your book, or that people will laugh at you for your new hobby, or whatever you choose to do will be an unsuccessful waste of time. 

That inner critic and voice of fear is multilayered, but we all have it. In my coaching certificate program, we referred to it as our individual "gremlin." We are not going to dive into the details of the gremlin now, but it's important to acknowledge it's natural to have one, and it holds most people back from achieving their dreams. 

With that in mind, it is important you develop a voice to face your gremlin- mainly, a voice of self-belief. It's not a matter of fighting with the gremlin, but a matter of seeing it and choosing not to listen to it, and to listen to the voice of belief instead. 

Learn to be your own biggest ally and cheerleader. To transform your life, and unlock your dream life, you must become empowered! You must not allow anything to stand in your way. Replace, “I can’t” with “I can!” Replace “what if this goes wrong” with “what if this goes right?” Replace “I won’t make it” with “I can and will succeed!” 

Additionally, it is important to shift your relationship with failure. Most people fear failure and because of that they never start. Others try, fall or "fail," and decide it’s the end of the road- their dream dies there because their plan for success "didn’t work out."

To overcome this obstacle, you must change the way you look at failure. It is important to understand all success is met with lots and lots of failure; failure is the road to success. The people who succeed are the ones who keep going. Expect to fall, and plan that when you do fall, you will learn from it, and get back up. Failure is not the end. It is an opportunity to learn, grow, reassess, and continue on with more knowledge than before. 

To summarize, now that you know yourself and have found your voice, you're going to open up a world of things you dream to do. And, if you listen to that scared voice, you will miss out on living your dreams! You must overcome that voice. 

As Henry Ford said, “whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you are correct.” Your thoughts will determine whether or not you make it. Believe you can, and you're half way there! 

6. To Transform Your Life, Take Action

You know yourself, you love yourself, you believe in your ability, and now you must ACT! An idea without action dies in you. 

One thing that stands in the way of taking action, as we mentioned above, is fear. Fear is often a barrier to life transformation and to achieving success and happiness; it is what stands in the way of turning your dreams into a reality. Fear, and unempowered thoughts, often keep you stuck. Sometimes, try as we might, we can’t seem to get rid of the fear. When that occurs, do it scared! 

When I posted my first post on Instagram for my life-coaching practice, I was literally shaking. My heart was pounding. I was so frightened: frightened of rejection, of people thinking it was a strange thing to post, of the vulnerability it took to bet on myself, and of the entire step forward and in a new direction! But I did it, and eventually did other things scared, like had my first client, posted my first speaking video, and went in front of a live audience. My heart beat so quickly when I did each of those things, but now I do all of them so smoothly, without any fear at all!

On that note, I should also mention, so many people who were enrolled in my coaching program at the same time as me never even got started with their first client or post because the fear held them back. Sometimes, the only way to move forward is to do it scared, and in time the fear will go away. Fear disappears with action. If you give into the fear, you risk never taking action.

Another reason we put off taking action is because we don’t quite feel ready. We don’t know exactly what will go into the venture, we’re entering unfamiliar territory, the product or service is not “perfect” enough yet, we feel like we don't have time, or so many other reasons for not feeling ready. 

I can share a personal example of not taking action because I didn't feel ready. I put off making Youtube videos for over a year because I didn't know how– I didn't know how to do the steps it would take to get a video up (make a channel, record the video, edit it, upload it, etc), nor how to get it seen/build an audience, nor exactly what to say on Youtube. I really didn't know much! But finally, about two weeks ago, after about 1.5 years of putting it off, I came across a quote about taking action, and decided to just do it. I said, “Today, I am going to put a video up.” I didn't know how I would do it, but I knew I would do it. I committed to stop “studying” an idea, and to just do it-- to start before I am ready, to get to work, and to learn on the job. Right now I have 2 videos up, and they probably aren't very good at all, but the second is significantly better than the first, and I will continue learning as I go. If I waited till I felt ready, I’d probably never start.  

(Feel free to check out my youtube channel by clicking here. It might not be awesome yet, but I have no doubt it's on its way!)

To transform your life, take action. Ideas without action are just dreams. Dreams are great, but turning dreams into your reality is even better. To take action, agree to do it scared and start before you’re ready!

7. To Transform Your Life, Become Conscious of Your Thoughts

Our thoughts are like the software to our lives. Computers are programmed to be able to do certain things. So are you. It is so hard, if not even somewhat impossible, to act opposite of what your programming is telling you to do.  

If you have thoughts telling you that you’re worthless, stupid, incapable, insecure, undesirable, then you are going to take actions that align with that narrative of yourself. Thus, to transform your life, you must become aware (conscious) of those unconscious thoughts that constantly play in your mind, and then change them to ones that better support the life you want to live. One super effective and fairly straightforward way to do that is with affirmations. Click here to read this article on affirmations to learn how to rewire your brain.

In addition to thoughts being important because they drive your actions, they are also important because they act as the lens with which you view the world; what you think is what you see. Basically, the world is so full of stimuli, the mind can’t possibly take it all in. So, what the mind does is focus on what you tell it is important. How does it decide what you deem important? Based on your thoughts. If you think “the world sucks and I suck” your brain will say, “Ah, okay, I see this is what you want to focus on” and then it will pick out all the things in your environment that support that. A mother hits a child, oh you will notice that. But the 20 mothers hugging their children, you wont even notice it. One driver rudely honking at another will be highlighted for you. But the people holding doors for one another, you won’t notice. You spill your coffee, surely you’ll notice what a klutz you are. But you wake up on time, juggle all of your work events and complete your projects, visit your friend who’s sick, read the book you wanted to, and you won’t notice how much you’ve accomplished. You tell your brain what you want it to see, and if you don’t like what you’re seeing, try telling it something new by changing your thoughts and beliefs. 

That is known as confirmation bias: you seek to confirm what you believe. Change your beliefs, and you'll start to notice new things. As Anais Nin famously said, "you don't see the world as it is; you see it as you are."

Thus, an important aspect of transforming your life is transfmoring your thoughts. Basically, you must become aware of your thoughts (mostly by constantly asking yourself “what am I thinking thats making me feel or act this way) and then hold onto the thoughts that support the life you want, and replace the others with thoughts that better support you in living the life you will enjoy. Build thoughts based on positivity, opportunity, compassion and understanding (not judgment), gratitude and abundance, and love. 

You cannot choose your thoughts, but you can choose which thoughts to give attention to, and by doing so, those will flourish and the others will fade. 

Your thoughts determine what you see; they determine your reality. If you don’t like your world, change your thoughts. 

8. To Transform Your Life, Put Yourself in the Best Environment for You

It is so important that you surround yourself with the right people, places, activities, and things that allow you to be your healthiest and happiest you.

These days, so much of the “self-help” movement is focused on transforming yourself from the inside out. And as I showed in many of the steps above, that really does have such an impact. However, it is very important to point out that it’s not all internal work; the environment you place yourself in absolutely does matter. 

The reason I think this is so important to point out is because when people put so much of an emphasis on changing themselves, they can blame themselves for their bad situation in life and tell themselves to “just be happier.” But if you’re surrounded by people who don’t support you, that’s so difficult to do! 

Imagine, for example, we have a healthy seed. And we place it in infertile soil. Will it grow? Absolutely not. No matter how healthy that seed is, or how much we will it or wish it to grow and produce a plant and fruit, it cannot and will not. The same is true for humans. If you’re in soil that doesn't support you growth, get out of there and find a better place for you. Whether that’s your job, romantic relationship, family or friends, or even your city, or religion- if these things don’t support you in being your healthiest, happiest, most empowered and authentic self, move away from them! Find the soil that's best for you!

Conclusion: Thanks For Reading My Favorite Article Yet

Wow! This was a really enjoyable article to write because each of these “steps” is so near and dear to my heart. Each step is such a part of my journey; such a part of what makes me who I am today, and something I am so passionate about. I am so grateful for my journey and for these things I’ve uncovered and implemented into my life to change it for the better, and I know I will keep on growing and improving with these tools and others I'm sure to learn. I think it is so cool that we really can change ourselves, grow, and improve our lives. No matter what you think right now, I promise you that you are not stuck in your plight. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. And, as always, I am here for you if you’re looking for some personal guidance and support in transforming your life using these 8 tools and many others! Click this link to learn about life-coaching with me!